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Description-Writing Don'ts, Part 1 (Floating Body Parts)
(Originally published November 7, 2022)
Hey, storyteller!
Descriptions are the most powerful element you can use to help readers experience your story with the characters, but bad ones will kill the story…fast.
One of the most often overlooked dangers to a description's success is what editors call Floating Body Parts.
No, I'm not talking about something from a scary movie or a cool Halloween costume. That was last week.
This description danger occurs when part of a character's body, his or her voice, or an inanimate object—like clothing or shoes—performs an action without the character's direct involvement.
Sound a little confusing? Well, that's how readers can feel when we use floating body parts.
This week's writer coaching session is the first in a two part series on Description "Don'ts," created so you can make sure your descriptions keep readers riveted to your pages.
You will discover:
- what floating body parts (FBPs) are and why they are a danger to your story's descriptions
- how to spot the four types of FBPs
- how to correct floating body parts
- in which instances FBPs may be acceptable
I Have a Gift for You!
First, I have a gift for you, a list of more than 30 filter words to cut from your story.
Filter words are another Description Don't, because they create a narrative barrier between the reader and your character's experiences. This free PDF contains a list of more than thirty such words to eliminate from your story.
If you'd like to learn more about why we should avoid filter words and how to eliminate them from your story, check out this post.
You'll also want to read to the end of today’s post, so you won't miss this week's Power-Up, a super practical action step you can use right now in the story you're working on.
Why Are Floating Body Parts Bad for Your Story?
So, why are floating body parts dangerous to your story's descriptions? Well, floating body parts, also known as FBPs, can do the following:
Create Passive, Erroneous Writing
Keep in mind that, in reality, the character makes his or her body, voice, or inanimate objects perform actions. These things can't really happen without the character's involvement.
Take the Emphasis off the Character
This is the opposite of what we want. Our goal is to immerse readers in the character's head and experiences.
Expose Weaknesses in the Writing
Even if they include common expressions, FBPs are often cliché, or at the very least, overused. As authors, we should strive for fresh, original writing.
Result in Exaggeration or Even Purple Prose
Purple prose is an industry term for overly flowery writing. Remember, less is often more in terms of word choice.
Create Unintended Comedy
And FBPs can create unintended comedic imagery in the midst of a serious or suspenseful scene.
Types of Floating Body Parts
There are four main types of floating body parts authors can inadvertently include in their descriptions.
Body Part Actions
Remember, this is without the character's direct involvement. Here are a couple examples:
Example 1: His arms wound around my shoulders.
Example 2: Her eyes flew around the room and rested on Tevin's handsome face.
Speaking of unintentional comedy, do you picture her eyes literally floating around the room, then sticking themselves to Tevin's cheek?
Actions of a Character's Voice
This is a tricky one because, sometimes, a character's voice can do something involuntarily. When we're using this with a viewpoint character (we're in that character's head), this wouldn't technically be considered a floating body part.
For instance, a frightened or excited character may say something, and her voice squeaks. She didn't do that on purpose. However, if a character raises her voice to shout at someone, that is intentional. So, we want to show the character actually doing the raising of the voice in those situations.
Example: My voice rose.
Well, for one thing, this is vague. Your voice can rise in pitch or in volume, but we don't know which is going on here. If her voice rose in pitch, then I would just say it squeaked or use some other more descriptive verb instead of rose, because that will let the reader know we're talking about the pitch of the voice instead of shouting.
But if the voice is rising in volume, we need to show the character doing this intentionally. Even if a character isn't thinking, I'm gonna raise my voice, now—which we usually don't—that character will know he or she is angry, most of the time. If a character is raising his or her voice in volume unintentionally, I we should make that apparent. There are times when it does happen without our realizing it, and then the character may feels bad about it afterward or lower her voice on purpose because it has escalated due to some emotion.
Inanimate Object Actions
The third type of floating body part occurs when an inanimate object performs an action without the character seeming to be directly involved. Now, I'm not talking about an object that flies across the yard because of the gust of wind. The character wouldn't be directly involved in a situation like that.
The actions of an inanimate object become a floating body part, however, when a character is making this thing happen, but we write it in a more passive way. Here are some examples to illustrate what I'm talking about:
Example 1: His shirt whipped over his head, then he plunged into the lake.
Well, his shirt isn't doing that on its own. Any reader would know that. So, we need to show the character doing the action.
Example 2: Boots thudded down the hallway.
The boots aren't thudding down the hallway by themselves, unless this is a fantasy. Even in that case, it's going to either be happening because some character is using a form of magic to make the boots do this, or maybe there's a ghost wearing the boots. Either way, someone is still making this happen.
Emotion Ascribed to Body Parts or Objects
Another variation of the floating body part occurs when writers ascribe human emotions to either a part of a character's body or an inanimate object.
Nervous fingers, for instance. Fingers wouldn't be nervous. The character is. Here are a few more examples:
Example 1: He fixed inpatient eyes on the screen, waiting for the email.
Example 2: Her happy feet wouldn't keep still.
Example 3: He answered with a confused shrug.
How to Revise Floating Body Parts
How can we correct floating body parts? What should we write instead?
As with weak verbs and passive voice, we can correct floating body parts by simply showing the character doing the action.
Here are possible revisions of the examples we looked at earlier.
Remember these examples of body part action FBPs?
Example 1: His arms wound around my shoulders.
Revision: He wound his arms around my shoulders.
Example 2: Her eyes flew around the room and rested on Tevin's handsome face.
Revision: She spun in a circle, scanning the room, then froze, staring at Tevin's handsome face.
And for our example of a voice action FBP:
Example: My voice rose.
Revision: I raised my voice.
And for inanimate object actions as FBPs, Here are the revisions.
Example 1: His shirt whipped over his head, then he plunged into the lake.
Revision: He whipped his shirt over his head, then plunged into the lake.
So, we see the character actually is the one who's removing the clothing.
Example 2: Boots thudded down the hallway.
Revision: The thuds of booted footsteps echoed down the hallway.
Now, you may be thinking this is still an FBP, because the footsteps are thudding down the hall, instead of a character walking down the hall. Actually, it is the footsteps that are making the sound. Yes, the character is walking, creating the footsteps, but this is still an active form of writing because we are focusing the sentence on the thing that is truly doing the action. The sound is the action we're focusing on, and what is causing the sound is the footsteps. At this point, we don't know who is walking down the hallway, so it creates more mystery and is more accurate to single out the cause of the sound instead of the character who is at its root.
What about those FBPs in which a writer ascribes human emotions to objects or body parts? Here are some revisions of the examples we looked at earlier.
Example 1: He fixed inpatient eyes on the screen, waiting for the email.
Revision: He stared at the screen, unblinking, as if willing the email to appear.
Example 2: Her happy feet wouldn't keep still.
Revision: She grinned, shuffling her feet in a little dance step, unable to keep still.
Her grin shows her happiness, so we're also avoiding another Description Don't, which would be telling the reader what the character's emotion is.
Example 3: He answered with a confused shrug.
Well, confused is again telling the reader what the character's emotion is, so we can correct the FBP in a way that will show the emotion instead.
Revision: He shrugged. What was the woman talking about?
So, the shrug itself isn't confused. The character is. This revision shows that he just shrugged. The body language (shrugging) actually can show either confusion or indifference or a few other things, but often a shrug is going to indicate some sort of nonverbal, "I don't know," type statement. His indirect thought—What was the woman talking about?—shows his confusion.
I know, FBPs can be pretty tricky. Don’t get bogged down in this, but use these tips and pointers as a way to strengthen your writing. If you're just not sure how else to say it, then just keep the FBP and move on. Also, don't tackle these in the first draft stage. I would suggest waiting until you start editing, because they can really bog you down in the story.
Acceptable Floating Body Parts
Well, we've looked at examples of floating body parts and how to correct them, but are FBPs ever acceptable?
Yes, in some rare cases.
Before we get into what those instances are, keep in mind that even with these, you want to use them on rare occasion, because FBPs can be cliché or overused expressions.
Common Expressions or Figurative Language
Speaking of overused expressions, the first instance in which an FBP might be acceptable is if it is a common expression. Some FBPs have become acceptable figurative language, so you don't have to eliminate all of those.
In fact, especially in dialogue, these may provide the best way to get a point across.
Example 1: She raised a hand and shaded her eyes.
She's not taking one hand in the other and lifting it, like we would raise an object.
Example 2: She rolled her eyes at him.
That is technically an FBP and can create a hilarious image, if you think about it. She rolled her eyes at him, but then he picked them up and gave them back to her. A comedian once used this in part of his comedy sketch. But it is such a commonly used expression, you could keep that one. If you can think of a better way to say it, however, absolutely go for it.
Involuntary Responses
The next instance in which a floating body part can be acceptable, I've already sort of mentioned, and that is when a character doesn't make the body part do something. Keep in mind that this works for a viewpoint character, since the reader shouldn’t enter another character’s head to discover whether the action is involuntary. This can be a response that happens on reflex or instinct or through some other involuntary means. It may result from some strong emotion the character is feeling.
Example 1: Her legs gave way.
Example 2: His hands shook.
These characters aren't making the parts of their body do these things. You wouldn't make your own legs give way or grow weak. And a character isn't going to want anyone to see his hands shake, so these are definite involuntary actions, and that's super clear to the reader.
Unseen Doer of the Action
Floating body parts may also be acceptable if the viewpoint character can't see who is performing the action. Remember those booted footsteps we talked about earlier? Here are a few more examples.
Example 1: She struggled to pull the blindfold from her eyes, but a hand clamped onto her wrist.
Example 2: He slipped closer to the edge. Strong arms wrapped around his waist. “I've got you, son," his dad said from behind.
Notice that even though we did use FBPs in a way—with the hand clamping onto the girl's wrist and strong arms wrapping around the little boy's waist when his dad caught him—we are not using passive writing.
We do have the arms performing the action, and the hand clamping onto the girl's wrist is performing the action. We didn't say, “She struggled to remove the blindfold, but her wrist was grabbed." That would be passive. And for the little boy who got too close to the ledge, we didn't say he was grabbed from behind. That would also be passive writing.
This Week's Power-Up
examine your most recent scene, or your whole story, for floating body parts. If you find one, determine whether it meets any of the criteria for acceptable FBPs. If it doesn't, reword it to make sure the character is performing the action.
Two other types of words that can damage your descriptions, which I call Kryptonite Words, are filter words and -ly adverbs. I've mentioned filter words earlier, but remember, you can view this post to learn how and why to eliminate them. And for tips on eliminating -ly adverbs, check out this post.
And let's power up your storytelling!
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